Conflict is inevitable in life. The challenge is in knowing how to manage it effectively. My reasons for taking a Conflict Management directly stemmed from my major and my professional career. As a Communications Major, it was evident that a course involving conflict would be worth exploring further. Additionally, as an aspiring Resilience Coach, I would be responsible for helping my clients navigate life’s challenges of which conflict would likely be one. I approached the course knowing that conflict comes with its own stigma, especially when it comes to relationship conflict. My goal was to learn more about how to approach conflict as a learning opportunity rather than the point of contention that most of us feel it is.
The content in Module 3 regarding Interests and Goals in conflict proved to test my conflict management abilities while being enlightening. Within the module, I learned about the four different types of goals in conflict: topic, relationship, identity, and process. Deciphering what the goal and interests were of example conflicts was difficult for me. In truth, many conflicts that we are presented with are going to have multiple and differing levels of goals involved. In the module discussion, I had issues being able to pick out what the goal(s) were in the presented conflicts. I realized this was also a problem that I faced personally as well. Even when trying to analyze conflicts I was in myself, identifying the goal(s) of the conflict became complicated. It forced me to take some time to really ponder whether I truly knew that the conflicts were about and whether I was focusing on more surface issues instead of getting down to the actual issue at hand.
The content in Module 6 concerning Emotions in Conflict was very practical for me. I consider myself someone who is very in tune with their emotions but also someone who can get carried away in their emotions. Learning how to manage the many emotions that can accompany conflict has always been a struggle for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve (and my emotions on my face) so learning to regulate is something I still work on, especially in therapy. The concept that whatever emotion on person feels is likely going to be reciprocated, or escalated, by the other party during conflict was not foreign to me. For me, that has always been frustration. The module discussion exercise that challenged us to use the X-Y-Z method was something I had heard of before but didn’t have a name for. I appreciated how the method allowed me to break down the conflict by identifying the behavior, the situation, and the feeling involved in the conflict. Where I noticed I had trouble was in calling out the behavior that was causing the conflict. I recognized that my previous experiences with conflict in my life made it hard for me to directly address behavior that created conflict for me. There was a fear in calling out the behavior and having to deal with the repercussions. As such, I learned to not call out behaviors that bothered me to avoid dealing with conflict altogether. Instead, I would focus on the emotions which led to the conflict remaining unresolved because the wrong thing was being focused on.
The final module, Module 11 on Reconciliation and Forgiveness was much appreciated. It is a topic that hits home for me. I wholly believe that just saying “sorry” is not enough of an apology and that if you continue to do the thing that you are “sorry” for then you aren’t sorry at all, and your apology is therefore null and void. For me, the most important part of an apology is the part most people forget – changed behavior. The amount of people who have this concept of apologizing down is few and far between. Concurrently, there are a plethora of people who refuse to apologize and let their pride get in the way of things. Apologizing goes hand in hand with accountability in my eyes, and this is a point I drive home with people in my circle. If you cannot hold yourself accountable, we simply cannot coexist together. I was thankful to learn the six requirements of a good apology which are: acknowledging harm, acceptance of responsibility, a sincere expression of regret or remorse, reparation, assurance of future safety, and a reaffirmation of shared values. Based on these, the changed behavior would be part of the reparation. While all the other pieces of the apology are necessary for taking accountability, I believe it is the reparation that ultimately makes or breaks an apology. Everyone makes mistakes; however, it is hard to forgive someone who continues to behave in a way that negates the apology. This in turn makes it harder for reconciliation.
Reflecting on what I have learned in this course, I am now armed with an array of conflict management skills that I can apply both personally and professionally. I now have some background to share in therapy that will allow me to delve further into my relationship with conflict, as well as, how to mend it to move forward with a better perspective on it. As marriage approaches, there are tools I can now use to help us successfully navigate the inevitable conflicts that will arise in hopes of contributing to its longevity. Lastly, I will now be able to take these valuable skills and share them with my clients to help them address conflicts they have in their lives in a way that is beneficial to their growth.
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